My life has been a series of eventful
haircuts. Bad haircuts. What has stayed constant, however, is the two-clause
format of comments they attract. “Your hair is really nice ya, you should have
done this and this and this to it instead.”
The saga began when I was in kindergarten; it
continues today and shows no sign of ending. Mind you, that is the hallmark of
the best tragedies that have ever been written. They are eternal.
Like all things eternal, eventful haircuts
deserve to be scrutinised. Why must some of us always look like we’re sketches
in the making? What gives people the right to be paid for screwing up somebody’s
hair? Why do other people always have perfect hair? Am I a bad person? Is
someone out to get me? Who even decides this shit?
One way of foreseeing a bad hairstyle is to
consider how you feel about it right before the scissors get busy. Even the
vaguest variant of “Oh let’s be done with it already! It’s only hair, it’ll
grow back” is a warning sign. Walk out that door.
Avoid telling your stylist that you want
something low-maintenance, “just a simple wash and dry style” is worse. He will
treat you like a project. Like a teetotaller at a bar. You will be that
no-gooder he must bring over to the world of serums and straighteners.
That said, announcing “I want a change!” is the red flag. Just get up,
make scary eyes and run. It’s okay to subconsciously want a change; chances are
you’ll get it. But say it out loud and you activate those repressed creative
juices in the guy wielding the scissors. He will make you his muse but will
forget that you aren’t a mannequin. You will resemble a shorn sheep and let me
tell you, no sheep pays to be sheared. Reflective surfaces will crop up in corners
you least expect them to. Strangers will be sickly sweet to you, the probable
victim of a tornado. Acquaintances will go “What happened to you!??” and beyond a point, making up improbable funny
stories will feel like a chore. Your sister will reassure you, “You still look
good in the dark!” and you will spend ages consoling every person who ever
played with your hair. I have no enemies I know of, but I’m guessing they won’t
be very nice either. So as much as you may be sick of how your hair almost
always looks the same as before, DON’T SAY IT.
Us Of The Bad Haircuts need to get a few
things straight. It is not just hair, it will not grow back – that’s the Loch
Ness of body myths. All these “hair care” products in the market are proof; they
exist because Us Of The Bad Haircuts need them, not because they can actually
fix anything. They’re like remedies for a common cold. Placebos.
Trash all that talk about hair that
reflects your personality. I have had distinctly different hair at every stage
of my life and I have done the same dumb stuff at every stage, hair-personality
sync be damned. You gotta cope with it all.
Perhaps there is only that one, lone hairstyle that will ever truly
suit the unique snowflake I am. Perhaps someone really is out to get me.
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