Attack and Recover

There is this mode of therapy in psychiatry called Desensitisation. And unlike a lot of terms in psychiatry, it actually means what a layman might assume.

A person walks in with a diagnosed phobia. You expose them to a small dose of the entity that provokes this "irrational fear". Give them time and space to recover. They return. Rinse and repeat.

Thing is, these doses start out small, but increase progressively. Much like with vaccines, you help this person to slowly build up a response that soon kicks in instinctively. Bigger the threat, bigger the response. Ready for The Forbidden Forest, immune to Aragog.

Attack and recover. Attack and recover.

There's an alternative. Flash desensitisation. Just in and out. A huge dose of stimulus, almost stunning the mind into a sub-habitual response. And then that becomes the learnt response.

Attack and recover and stop. Fingers crossed.

Would you like a consistently low baseline mood, with no significant peaks of happiness and no significant troughs of misery either? Sounds like a fair deal, not having to cope with massive setbacks. Things will never get too rough. And if you've never been too happy, you never know what you're missing out on.

No attacks. No recovery.

Or would you like a state of wilder highs and lows? Intense sorrows to match intense joy, but with a markedly higher baseline mood. It sounds like the definition of living a little, but it could just as well be a recipe for torture to the soul. To have to take the shitstorm in your stride because hey, secondary rainbows every summer.

Attack and recover and rise.

. . .

Seems to me that it's often a progression through the four stages, in that very order.

You take the small hits, you cope. You suffer a big blow, you pause and regroup. Maybe you wall off all future blows; now there's no need to cope. Then one fine day, you step back into the ring - you take a punch, you throw two back, and you give meaning to the process. You rise.

.

There's agony in watching someone pass through the stages, even knowing that it will pass. Watching them allow others to drag them through the stages. Ain't nobody mess with ma homies and their mommas, that kind of agony.

Worse when the others play the victim card to a hungry audience that laps up drama but is impervious to dignity. If only you could card the victim at the door for legit being juvenile; too immature to enter the real world, byebye now.

Feel like an angry warrior on behalf of your homies. Not that they ask it, but because it infuriates you to watch the self-proclaimed victims vilify without a break. Where is all the decency to which they feel so entitled?

Attack and attack and attack. Recovery must wait.

Unchanging Cameo

Rambling away
as you write to
remember,
that which you've left
far behind your today.

Typing away
with line breaks
and commas,
lending your words
profundity unearned.

Thoughts scrambling
scampering
in that vortex,
slipping away
from your sick grimy reach.

Winter approaches
you knew that it would.

But Summer lasted
nary a week.

Living When You Are Less Than Fit

There is something about death and dying that has a powerful draw.


It's certainly palpable. On the rare days that I venture into discussions anymore, I would passionately argue that it borders on tangible. It's all around us, meant for each of us, and indeed, for all our whimsical projects. And yet as topics for consideration go, it is so easily overlooked.

We're just so busy living, making things work, trying something different; reinventing the wheel in the hopes that the rust that has gathered won't matter in the long run. We take the idea of a "long run" for granted, because what other way is there to move forward? How does one not move forward? Is it even possible to stand still without the lurking guilt of stagnation, let alone to take a few steps backward merely to reassess your trajectory?

As a society, as a species, it is ingrained in our cores that we must strive to survive. Get ahead, because that's what we do. Outdo the other's accomplishments, but retain the human courtesy of respecting the other. So engrossed are we in this continuing human pursuit that we would float rudderless if forced to stand still and taking account of time.


The powerful draw of death and dying has much to do with how I understand life and living. Some days, I suspect I don't understand it very much. On all other days, I know I don't. It is a recurring theme in what I write publicly, and yet one that I have few illusions of "decoding".

The 'purpose of life' could consume many lifetimes spent in the cradles of literature, philosophy, metaphysics, and in the knowledge and instincts that govern the vocations of rabbis, sadhus, doctors and counselors. Quite the disbeliever, those are not lifetimes I believe I have the time for, or the time for. I excuse myself from the burden of plotting a blind, arrogant route through these disciplines.

In an uncharacteristic move, I open up to learning from man's follies instead of making experience my guru. I trust that those who have come and gone before me penned their thoughts on the matter - and of course they did, eloquently so. So I dip my toes in, test the waters a little. And within a few texts born of raw prose that is nothing short of a legacy, I come away having re-learnt that one truth:

A little learning is a dangerous thing ;

Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring

I do believe there is a certain rhythm, a set of values each one of us unknowingly puts together over time, and that dictates how we execute the grand task of living. I would think that our personal philosophies of how we live are inextricably linked with how we would conceive dying, were the process to be laid out before each of us as the task of utmost priority, replete with a timeline and a plan of agenda. The connect is so simple and obvious that it amazes me how everyone doesn't bring it up right away. To be in death as you are in life.

Perhaps these values are only exposed in trying times, when there is more at stake than the forgettable priorities that make up the daily mess. Trying times that can befall you directly and indirectly. Perhaps it is only a matter of how hard you are hit. And how vulnerable you let yourself be to this impact has got to be a marker of how strong your core is.

'Survival of the fittest' is a difficult ideal to keep in sight if you no longer rank among the fit, in the conventional sense of the word.

Know Thy Query

It's quite the sham, what people say.

About time healing all, and fissures erased.
Time does nothing but remind you repeatedly
That what once was yours no longer exists.
Matter may reassemble, but never resurrect.

They ask you to smile, for the "fond memories",
Those that may recur, tweaked beyond recognition.
They inquire politely, "Come to terms with it yet?"
You stare, you shrug. The terms are unknown.

"How Are You Doing Today?"

The other day, I heard about this young male journalist who works in Vidarbha. His mother told me. She's in town; her kidneys are in protest mode.

A couple of farms a few districts away are low on men this month. One of the MIA farmers is 25. Some valves in his heart need attention.

One go-to kirana store in a Nanded neighbourhood is unmanned these days. The owner can undergo necessary surgery only half a state away.

Almost everyday now, we make our way through wards full of occupied beds. Males, females. Ages 12 and above.

Youngsters, and then some who could be their grandparents. Parents who have long avoided hospitalisation because their kids would then be alone at home, without help. Middle aged men and middle aged women, with their middle aged siblings and relatives in attendance. There are teenagers, unmindful of the gravity of their stay at the hospital; their parents stand by and overcompensate.

The entire spectrum of backgrounds, moods, conditions, support and coping mechanisms, brought together on a floor partitioned a few times over.

Man hours slip by without hesitation, and daily wagers, with their implicit faith in our badgeless white aprons, ask how soon they can return to work.

Human lives, all with their own intricately detailed stories, surround us in those wards. And all we're equipped to do right now is record patients' histories. Onset, progression, duration. Aggravating factors. Relieving factors.

To talk, in a clear, friendly and systematic manner. Work out a provisional diagnosis. Tell yourself that you're quite the stud. Rinse and repeat.

The human angle kicks you in the face when you walk past a patient later that day, or the following day, no longer in need of their account of their illness.

When you choose to slow down to nod, to smile, to ask how they're doing. To ask if they've eaten, if the doctor has been to see them today. To ask that ailing teenager's mother if he has been troubling her too much.

And out of nowhere, with a gesture as small and commonplace as that, you watch as eyes light up - you discover that it's not just a figure of speech. Smiles split open resting faces, even faces of those who launch into a series of complaints right after. A cheeky grin sometimes puts in an appearance and you're struck by how right and happy it looks.

Who would believe this person has a file full of grim reports?

You grin back. Figure you're probably at the happiest bed in the ward. Then grin a little more because, well, you had something to do with it and modesty must not come in the way of wide grins.

Continue on your way, feeling like a total stud. Acknowledge that the patients and their relatives are studlier still, for giving you that moment.

Why, you'll be invincible once you can truly fix the cause behind patients' complaints. 

Invincible and intolerable.

The Inertia Of Existence: Debunked

That which takes birth must die. That which begins must end.

One could argue that this is the founding law, the very basis of Nature. The crux around which all else took form. If you'd rather do away with laws and imagine death as the point of convergence instead, you could say that the grand End is the culmination of the vortex in which all of existence is swept along. Or perhaps each entity is in a vortex of its own, and that culminates (how!) as the End of that entity. Possibilities abound, and they would make for some fascinating illustrations.

We're usually so fascinated by the End and how it comes about, that we forget to study how things live. Pathology beats Physiology. Dramatic and sensational beats the ongoing, the mundane, hands down. But "you have to understand normal before you can identify abnormal". That's the 1st MBBS mantra as far as our faculty and textbooks are concerned, and it makes a whole lot of sense to me. 

If we can extend that line of thought to say that the "normal" state of existence is being alive, and that the "abnormal" is death (or "not existing"), I will echo that studying the normal, the living state, is of paramount importance. It's what will allow you to prolong the normal and avert the abnormal. You could make anything the subject of this study and it would be valid. That weed creeping about your garden. A pet, a friend. An emotion, your convictions. Relationships. The ruling government.

So do these things survive simply because they don't die? Because nothing comes along to uproot, kill, convert or impeach them? It seems spot on, right? The Inertia of Existence. That once things take shape, they stay that way unless acted upon by an external force. After all, Newton was a very smart man, and Aristotle did get bashed a fair bit.

But perhaps there is a different system at work here, in lives that don't adhere to ideal situations. A system in which friction is an inbuilt feature, so deeply embedded that we don't give it a second thought.

Entities in our non-hypothetical lives survive because they are kept alive - not just because they are born, not just because they don't die. There are external inputs, whether we notice them or not, whether we feel the need for them or not. These inputs check and balance activity (homeostasis!) such that you don't pay much attention to their role. But they avert the abnormal at every step. One fine day, something leads to the drying up of inputs over time. It could be lack of reserves, it could be poor timing or a stroke of bad luck, it could be sheer negligence. When the supply of these inputs dries up, the entity starts to degenerate, approaching its inevitable End. And as stupefying as it is obvious, that's when we begin to deconstruct matters.

Sure, the drying up of inputs, the end of an external event, leads to the larger End. But the Living is made possible by inputs. And it would be wonderful if we were to not lose sight of that.

That weed in your garden still needs its water and soil and sunlight and fresh air. That relationship with your friend or partner needs your time and concern and initiative and effort. You may see the weed as thoroughly undesirable, and you may actively consider that relationship the anchor of your existence; you may be fascinated by the weed's unending growth spurt, and you may view that relationship as an unchanging constant - Your perception of the entity does not affect the fact that it needs something to go on.

The weed will wilt on its own if the soil around it was to turn barren. The relationship will cease to exist if you call upon each other only when you seek comfort. It was not enough for that seed to sprout open. And it never will be enough that you first shared sweet nothings many moons ago.

It would indeed seem that life in general is geared towards the End, and that we only keep putting it off. Stubborn in our belief that the next day is guaranteed, as is the year after that, even the next twenty. Stubborn because inputs that we take for granted are expected to just keep flowing in. 

Suspend the belief that you get to "wait and watch" how matters proceed. Every entity, every relationship, every academic program you will ever undertake is an ongoing process - and it needs active participation from both ends to sustain, let alone flourish.

This may not find a respectful place in the next pathbreaking textbook on blog-derived physics gyan, but to this layman, empirical evidence suggests thus -

That which gets moving needs pushes to keep moving. That which exists needs something to keep it alive.

The Girl Who Wanted To Do Medicine Mid-BMM

... got down to it post-BMM :)

And if she's being honest with you, she'll admit she's not always sure what got into her.

My path to becoming a MBBS student has been unconventional, to put it mildly. It's haphazard enough that I can't blame you for thinking I'm still flopping around without really knowing my mind. 

Summer '12, I graduated with a neat, journalism-heavy Bachelor of Mass Media degree. Bright future, healthy prospects, yay sunshine! Decided to do the medicine thing by July. Studied, got through, got started monsoon '13. Things happened.

One funny aspect of this whirlwind process was that my prep-time concerns had little in common with those of students alongside whom I prepared for the slew of entrance exams. (I also didn't own a fancy ass smartphone like all of them did.) After almost two years, I find that scenario amusing and alarming in equal parts.

For starters, I was extremely skeptical about my own decision to take up medicine. More than anyone else around me (parents were thrilled). Was it a knee jerk reaction, was I being rash just because I yearned a radical change, was I being influenced by transient influencers, would my interest in this program even last the duration of 5 1/2 years? Why MBBS, and why now? Messy mind, messy times.

[Fun sidenote: A quick "Why MBBS?" survey with a sample of maybe 30 classmates got me answers like big money, status, help people. Had the marks, parents pushed, didn't know what else to do. Parents own a hospital, a nursing home and 50 doctors already, so... giggle giggle. One guy even said he found this stuff interesting! I now think people find their reason for sticking with the field by the end of MBBS, seldom at the outset.]

Meanwhile, entrance exam prep was underway. Reasons and non-reasons aside, I wanted the assurance that I deserved to be at a "good" medical college. That I deserved a seat, and to be a part of this field. I also had to justify to myself the overwhelming generosity and support I received from family, friends, the boyfriend.

Through all of this, it never occurred to me to consider what would happen if I didn’t crack the entrances. I think I simply expected that I would, completely disregarding the 4 year gap from PCB and problem sets. Naive and in denial and what? Those who knew of the grand plan never once discussed the possibility of not getting in. It's almost as if it was a foregone conclusion in everyone’s mind. I now suspect that was a morale-building kindness on their part, but it's still something I marvel at. How could we not have discussed it!?

Crazy, crazy year. Didn't turn out all perfect, but I'm pretty damn happy about it. 

I'm learning about things I often wondered about. I actually get excited about concepts that are new to me. The human body is stuffed with delightful intricacies, and very little compares to the satisfaction of putting them together to make sense of actions and reflexes that we take for granted. I expect it's only going to get better as the puzzle becomes richer, more detailed. I'm in this place because I want to be here, and it's a very happy place.

Very very happy, indeed!

For the longest time, I kept this medicine plan off places like Facebook and this blog (I started a second, secret blog instead - also something that no one reads) because I wanted some people to hear about this from me, in person. A lot of teachers from highschool era and BMM, some friends, some family. Most people I managed to get to first, some I regrettably didn't. 

But in the unlikely event that someone out there is actually offended they're finding out like this, via a blog post, my excuse is ready - the stark contrast in the typical response a newly admitted Ist MBBS student receives, and the response I tend to receive. 

Typical response - "Wow! Congrats, Doctor. Free treatment for me, yeah?" 
Despite receiving all these quip-like warnings about free treatment in the future, this newly admitted Ist MBBS student is so excited he wants to let everyone in on the wonderful news! Honeymoon phase.

What I get - "Um.. wut? You? But BMM.. Really? EXPLAIN."
Yeah, it's my own doing. No, I don't want or expect the typical response. I understand that this is a shock, not a surprise. But it is exhausting explaining things to every well-meaning inquirer from the start, all details included. Plus I've been busy, had a lot of studying to do ;)


Very little about any of this has been shared by me with very few current classmates. Sure, word probably spreads and that's okay - convenient, even. Some might find out via this blog post, as and when I start mixing on Facebook. Some might consider it a grand betrayal if they find out much much later. Can’t get myself to care about that right now. I suspect plenty will have happened by then to make my odd entry to medicine nothing more than a piece of trivia. Two seconds of fame and charcha, at most. Relating to my classmates - I no longer refer to them as "those kids" all the time - yeah, that's a whole different story.


I wrote this cheesy novella today because it's long overdue, because it's an easy way of EXPLAINing, and because I wanted a break from studying for finals haha. 

I don't really know what my advice to someone in the same (can't be that common) a similar situation ought to be. I can tell you it's a lot of fun to dive in headfirst. Doubts and misgivings are a part of the process. I promise you you'll get a kick out of it all even months and years later. Mine was a nerdy way of doing it, but it helps you realise that you really can take on anything - it's good practice, and trust me, you can never have enough practice. It is infinitely helpful to have a support system along the way, doesn't matter how small it is, or how self reliant you usually are. You become more appreciative, more grounded. And if things work out, you get to do something you're really into. 

As important as the logistics, if not more, is to have a good reason for diving in - even if it's one that you can't quite explain to everyone who asks. 

Brasso For This Blog

I haven't blogged in over a year! Feels like five. When I'm asked what I do for fun now, aside from college (later, tell you later), it doesn't even cross my mind to say I blog off and on.

I miss being able to sound all cool and bloggerly haha.


I miss shooting off posts and then saving half of them as drafts instead of publishing right away. The joys and shivers of revisiting the junk you wrote yesterday.. I miss that as well. All the stuff on this blog was written so long ago that nostalgia overpowers all self-critical editing instincts.

Editing, be it someone else's writing or my own, now that's something I'm not sure I miss. But it's okay, I've set myself up for a lifetime of fixing things as and when they turn clunky and inefficient.


I think one of the nicest things about writing regularly is that occasionally, not necessarily often, you author something that resonates with a reader. Nicer still if you get to hear about it! Sometimes that reader is a surprise or a complete stranger, sometimes it's someone who you always suspected didn't really like you at all, and sometimes it's exactly the reader you had in mind while writing. Haan rest of the time it's the same old "chaar log" who comprise your entire readership..

It's nice to be able to strike a chord somewhere. With present day readers, and with your future self.


I know I didn't have any of this in mind when I blogged back then. But going through some old posts today had me feeling so grateful for having written them when I did. And it's simply not about which ones got tons of hits (none did).

A post about my scene with the Army, that's a post I'm grateful for. It came at a good time, and I appreciate more than I would've expected that even my father read it.

The wonderful reassurance that I had some serious imagination game at age four, and the sense to write about it at age 18.

There's stuff that makes me want to go back in time and pat my past-self's head. Not like the Pillsbury doughboy, no. But come on, just read about my woes! Too cool.

There's wisdom.

And senti aplenty.

And pain that I must endure until I frickin' die.

I want to give future-me more of this stuff.

Selfish agenda is selfish. And how I talk and write is probably outdated!


There are a lot of things that were an integral part of who I was and what I did two, three, four years ago. And some of them simply aren't anymore.

That's okay. That's welcome!

But I think blogging off and on is something I want to bring back into my routine.


So hi again =)

Cooking With Mushrooms From The Himalayas

Dinnertime, perhaps Sunday. Just as I get up to rinse my empty plate.

“This young student of mine, she brought me a packet of dried mushrooms from Kashmir/Himachal.”

I stare.

Nani repeats herself. Tells me it’s in her purse.

I continue to stare. Predictably, she stares back.

Finally, yours truly, “Wow. Okay. That’s really nice of her. So you’ve been hauling these mushrooms in your purse all day?”

“Yes. Get me my purse. Let’s see what we can do with them.”

I did well not to laugh. Certain expectations would be awesome to have met.

“But I don’t know if there’s some specific way of cooking these, they look different. I’ll look it up

online. See if you can think of something.”

Consider it done, Nani.

- - -

While I usually can put together a decent meal, I was recently required to respond to “No seriously, have you ever made anything good?” Fair question, since the asker is invariably on the receiving end of worst-case-scenario versions of my impromptu jugaad-heavy dishes (apologies, heartfelt as always), but really not one you want to consider in all seriousness. 

Come Tuesday, it’s way past breakfast hours. Since I’m hungry and it isn’t noon yet, let’s think breakfast hours anyway. I decide to cook; mushrooms on my mind. I genuinely thought fixing breakfast might help recover from the affront to my skills. No room for performance anxiety and/or bad omens since I’d only be cooking for myself. More importantly, I could leisurely discover whether those “different” looking mushrooms were any fun at all.

I’ll spare you the cheap suspense. The mushrooms did look different. The packet contained thin longitudinal slices that eventually browned and shrivelled up into small, dull, twisted scraps. Shades of brown and black. Some even had a rind-like outline. Interesting enough to look at, I suppose. Cooking some with eggs took all of fifteen minutes, and that suited me just fine. The first spoonful was funny, not quite what I expected. A few more confirmed that these scraps were nothing like regular mushrooms! Elaborate rambling recipe below. 

You will need: 

• Eggs, 2, whisked with about 2 tbsp milk, and as much chilli powder, salt and pepper as you fancy. Whisking with a fork will work out better than with a spoon.
• Tomato, 1 small, cut however you like.*
• Mushrooms! As many scraps as you like, more the merrier and such. I’m pretty sure I was close to a dozen.
• Cheese, 1 slice. Because it’s available. Don’t be weird bothering with a knife now.
• Green chilli, 1 diced, if you want. Yeah of course this was an impromptu jugaad-heavy dish. Getting inspired by the bare minimum you can find in your fridge is key.
• Oil, enough to sauté your tomatoes in.

 * You won’t care about the shape and size if the dish tastes good and regardless of the intended shape, the tomatoes will shrivel up into something extremely ugly if you do goof up while cooking. Just keep the seedy pulp out of the way, so dicing might be preferable to round slices.

The cooking part of things:

• Heat the oil, medium flame, add tomatoes. Feel like a fancy chef as you move them around. Add mushroom, move things around some more. Now’s also the time to add those green chillies and any other stir-fry-able things you have lying around. Please don’t wait for your tomatoes to get mushy or for other things to blacken.
  
• Once the scraps of mushrooms have softened, pour in the soupy egg mix. It’ll taste better than it looks.
  
• The translucent eggy bits will begin to turn opaque, that’s when you tear your slice of cheese into pieces and space them out all over the eggs and veggies. See, no knife required.
  
• To turn your snack into a chunky omelette, reduce flame and cover with a lid, perhaps leaving some room for steam to let out. Check every now and then, I really doubt there’s a defined timeframe for this kind of thing. Consider flipping over your omelette once the base comes together and the top isn’t all runny. Once done, cheer or curse as is appropriate.
  For a scrambled eggs version, something I approve of, you really just keep scrambling. Lid off, obviously. Don’t allow chunks of egg to stick to the bottom forever. Have patience; let things cook.
  
• Now is a good time to realise you’d like some buttered toast to go with this. You could just finish cooking this stuff and risk having it cool down a bit while you fix the toast – or you could let it simmer while you put the toaster to use. I’m sorry the butter is all hard, you should’ve thought of this sooner.
  
• Shut out any new ideas. Load everything on a plate, fix yourself a glass of water/juice/whatever if you like, pick up your fork (please at least rinse the one with which you whisked the eggs) and evenly spear mushroom, tomato and egg.
  
• Grin as the fork moves from plate to mouth. Picture the most hilarious things that could happen with funny mushrooms from the Himalayas.
  
• Tell me if those cooked mushrooms taste odd, kinda sweet. Like apples from a healthy orchard.
  Mine did. 

I Speak For 'Uncle-Aunty'

Of late, amongst other interesting [possibly more surprising, and admittedly more discussion-worthy] things, I've taken to strolling through Quora. Fun place, because you don't feel like you're barging in on people unexpectedly, but you still get in on often-great responses to sometimes-great queries about this or that or that or that. Or that. Or even that. There's everything left to be learnt, yessir.

One such stroll led me to a question that amused me at first - How should parents ask their children's friends to address them, and for what reasons? I said I was strolling, quit judging.

As I read the answers posted [you can read them here, sign up/in because it'll be worth it], I couldn't help but feel like the West has been missing the point altogether. Why do you want a special name for yourself anyway? Why can't that kid's name for you be mass produced and in common with all his peers, just like his breakfast and his innerwear? Are you more special to that kid than his breakfast or innerwear? Okay, touchy topic. 

Still, the question prompted a quick checklist of why India's 'Uncle/Aunty' tradition gets my enthusiastic vote. I quite like that this list of benefits isn't restricted to friend's parents.. we're inclusive like that! Obviously, not all points apply to every Uncle/Aunty I've ever spoken with. So if you're one, do try and look at the brighter side of points.. even if points are supposed to be zero dimensional. 

Since this is the closest you may ever get to a rational, public dissection of a rare moment of national pride, be sure to think about it after you switch tabs.

• At the very least, I see the 'Uncle/Aunty' system as acknowledging that the said adult is older than I, period.
  
  I don't have to respect a person in order to respect their age and the experience [whether superior or misguided] that comes with it. Nor do I need to bother with a silly speculation about relative worth and dignity and whatnot to call someone Uncle and not Mahesh or Mr Mahesh. I'm just acknowledging the age difference, nice and simple. 

• I don't have to know you to call you Aunty! That makes things civil more often than not. Doesn't mean you're my favourite.
  You could be that sweaty, smelly, whiny lady on the train - especially the one with all that hair left open for me to nuzzle - who insists on sharing the sorrows of a stubbed toe from Vashi to Kurla, throughout realigning her hip against mine and digging her inconsiderately designed, boxy, brass-studded purse into my ribs. I might want to growl at you and stamp all your toes and donate a hairclip or two while I'm at it, but I will still call you Aunty when I ask you to move a wee bit away from my crotch. I RESPECT YOUR AGE, ANONYMOUS AUNTY. I also don't like you very much.

• Continuing from the lack of like involved, this system simply isn't dependent on how close you are to that [older] adult.
  If you're close and/or both want a different, special name or if your equation changes in some way that warrants a new term, the path to redressal is clear. If not, no harm done!  Since all our languages provide a host of names for older male and female relatives, it's not like 'Uncle/Aunty' have any special or familiar overtones. So my parents' closest friends that I may or may not be close with, my favouritest neighbour from when I was a kid, my boyfriend's mother, the security staff or cashier at a mall, the stranger walking ahead of me and that evil lady on the train can all be my Aunties. And no one finds this offensive! They might if they give this universality some thought, but at least until I pointed it out, no one minded.

• Along with ^, it also absolves you of the need to know the adult's first name.
  
  For those of us used to the UAT [cool cultural feature merits an acronym, no?], I think that's actually a fairly unlikely thing for to know, the first name of your friend's parent. I can always refer to them as "X's mom" should the need arise. It's also very convenient during introductions, moments of forgetfulness and evaluations of occupied memory space in one's mind.

• Loses the stiff formality of Mr/Mrs, but retains some measure of distance anyway.
  
  That way your friends won't wind up with a complex about your equation with their parents. Tell me how that's undesirable.

• Usable regardless of the language you are speaking!
  
  As in case of other English words [think "hello/okay/bye/side please/thenks"], these terms have percolated across languages and are understood and accepted by many-to-most even in rural India. I've actually had someone insist that "okay" is a Telugu word, so you'll just have to trust me on this percolation theory.
• Once it catches on, it can provide inspiration for popular dialogues, weirdly catchy songs, even the odd search history preference.
  
  Deny any of it and you would be labelled low on creativity, and woefully ignorant of your own culture.

In My Head

I’m just a poor boy

Though my story’s seldom told

I have squandered my resistance

For a pocketful of mumbles

Such are promises.

The hardest thing I have ever done is to have confessed doubts. Doubts about promises and commitments made to/by those that matter to me. Realistic doubts about whether things will withstand, whether I shall deliver.

I’ve grown to demand strength of myself. And honesty. And a burning sense of optimism that has more to do with strength and honesty than is apparent. 

It’s laughably easy to call yourself an optimist, isn’t it? It only requires you to think things will fall in place just fine, right? Added bonus: it makes you sound bright and sunny and rather like that delightful little sanguine creature everyone loved in that new movie. Marvellous. Positivity to add to the good vibes in the Universe.

But a true sense of optimism presupposes a conviction about the issue at hand, as does a true sense of pessimism. A conviction born of an honest evaluation - where “honest evaluation” is a neat case of redundancy - of your own work and input; an evaluation that reeks of integrity. An evaluation that is founded on a reasonable standard; one that is its own defence in a rational argument. It’s an optimistic remark only when the evaluation suggests things are going good and are likely to. Optimism has more to do with your own ability, strength and the willingness to be true to indicators of their performance, than not. It’s realism on a good day, in a situation with good prep.

It’s too bad, then, that the same rules apply to doubts. A doubt is not about imagining things, nor is it about wanting to complicate matters. It’s not about cynicism or jinxing commitments and it’s certainly not about going back on your word. It’s an honest evaluation that reeks of integrity – even when you wish it didn’t, even when such an evaluation is the last thing you want to collide with. And its inevitable appendage is trust in the parameters of evaluation, which translates to strength to voice the doubt.

Perhaps it’s hard to confess those doubts because your standard of parameters is your own. You can’t be sure if it is shared by one other or a million others. Your idea of reason may or may not match another’s. But if it’s honest and just and free of contradictions and irrationality, chances are you’re thinking straight.

Find something inside of you that must be shared with those outside. Write about it. Find something inside of you that must be shared with the insiders. Do it. Write about it. Honestly. Thus ends a note to myself, one tucked away for future use.

Blindness & Bombay

I was born and brought up in Bombay. I now live in Mumbai.

They used to tell me changing Bombay to Mumbai would change things. That I would feel the difference.

But when I walk past the park in the evening, the children are as noisy as before. They still run around me, laughing and calling out to each other. Sometimes they stumble, crying foul and complaining earnestly. At other times, they form the perfect background score while I sit down cross-legged, spread my fingers in the damp grass and take in the sounds and the fresh air. My city calls out to me.

People waiting for buses and trains are the same as always. Some push and shove, intent on moving ahead. Some seek their physical space, giving me mine in the process. But they still talk about the same old things. And they swarm together in the same old way, such that conversations and contours merge. That familiar buzz spreads through the crowd when a fast train approaches, there's a sudden patter of feet pounding onto the floorboard as the train slows to a stop. The wind lashes my face when I stand close to the door and concerned arms still reach out to protect me. My city calls out to me.

When I walk through the by-lanes of crowded markets, men call out to me to buy their wares. Dogs scurry by, sometimes resting against my leg, waiting to be entertained. I listen as customers bargain hard and shopkeepers do what they can to dissuade them. The smells and sounds of my city combine to form a feeling that is comforting, yet chaotic; but remove one element and the chaos fades away. The comfort ebbs. I walk through these by-lanes because this is my home. My city calls out to me.

               

I often take visitors for a tour of tourist sites in the city; does that surprise you?  It's too bad people think the seafront is a cliché to be avoided. I think it is a gift to be shared. I smile as tentative steps into the water soon translate to excited chatter and childish games. The sound of the waves as they collapse against each other.  A faint whiff of the sea on my clothes. The lingering taste of seawater. My city calls out to me.

Get on a bus heading out of the city. It’s easy enough; people will help you. Sometimes they play songs you've never heard before. Sometimes they keep up a constant chatter and sometimes, they snore noisily. But turn your face to the breeze outside and you'll realise they're still nice people. Give it a couple of hours and you will have reached the ghats. You will hear the water rushing down the slopes long before you can reach out to feel it. Go ahead and get to a hilltop, there are so many to choose from. You will be surprised by the crisp air, the lush spreads of soft grass. Even the midday sun will feel like a pleasant greeting. The pressure of the breeze will envelope you, comfort you; it will tell you you were meant to be here. It's what I experience every time. And from a distance, from far beyond valleys and postal codes, my city calls out to me.

And you see, I tell the breeze I come from Mumbai. I tell the children that is where I live; I help my guests set out for Mumbai Darshan. It’s Mumbai, no longer Bombay. But that has changed nothing. Who’s to decide what’s more beautiful than another, more perfect than another? 

They used to tell me changing Bombay to Mumbai would change things. That I would feel the difference.

I still fill in six letters when asked to provide my address.

I fail to see the difference.

Not Poetry, Not Prose

It's not like I'm traumatised about my last post but it is weighing on my mind. Perhaps because normally, men say/pretend it was an accident. They either brush past you and get lost in the crowd asap or mutter an apology as they're compelled to walk past. When you glare back or hit, hurl an abuse or snap at them to hold their elbows in, they comply and look away duly chastised. Sometimes people around you join in in giving the man nasty vibes. Big help. But we're just so used to being felt up or brushed against. The next time you see a woman turn around looking disgusted, disgruntled but not too shocked, you know what could have caused it. 


In contrast, what I wrote about was just so overt. Not even a facade about it being an accident. He moved in with an intention, he ran away to avoid the consequences. Such a conscious act. I think that's what shook me up more than anything.

It would be very cliched to talk about being scarred, mentally or otherwise. But scars are demeaning. Ugly leftovers from ugly times. They hang around even if you're "over it" and they almost always evoke a reaction from you. I suppose it would approach high prose if I was to talk about how they remind me of goats being branded before the kill. Shall avoid.

But indulge me here for a while. Picture it for yourself. You were unable to see his face, it was turned away for the entire duration of your chance encounter. He could walk past you on the street tomorrow and you may not be able to identify him. He could be the guy standing behind you in the line at the ATM, or one of two people you share an auto with tomorrow morning. You still wouldn't know. I don't know.

I don't get how this works. I'm not sure I want to figure it out. Would that evening go down in his mental record as just one of many such incidents? Was that his idea of scoring? How does the bugger sleep at night and look his mother in the eye? How long until I stop wondering if I ran as best as I could? Am I ever going to stop picturing myself walking down a road with restless eyes and a sharp not-quite-a-stone-but-not-quite-a-rock in each hand? I detest how I now walk around with a grim expression and a tense jaw. I feel like I'm not being true to myself, but right now, that's what feels right. Convenient.


Most of all, I hate how I stiffen up every time someone walks by too close. It doesn't matter whether it's a male or a female, how they're dressed or what they look like. Be it at the rickshaw stand or on a railway platform or right outside college. My default mode involves being stiff and glaring at the world, a part of my mind devoted to considering how I'd block the guy closest to me should he decide to swoop in. Do I sound like a paranoid fool who's overreacting? Chances are that's how your mom and sister feel. Have a chat. See where your sympathies lie the next time a man around you is being abused and you're not sure if he really did anything, if it was a big deal. "Arre at most he only touched her na." Who gets the benefit of doubt here?


It's too convenient, telling the female that she was asking for it. That she should have double thought the time of the day, the way she was dressed. She should have know that's what the neighbourhood is like. That she shouldn't be laughing aloud while she walks, she shouldn't draw attention. You tell her how to keep herself hidden away. How to be inconspicuous. But it's really not about the clothes she wears, how attractive she is, what her "character" is like or what time your wristwatch reads. It never is. It has nothing to do with attraction. It's violence, plain and simple. So why does it not occur to you to talk sense into the heads of the men you know? How about addressing fucked up mindsets, the root cause? Tell your son what I'm saying and ignore that friend who thinks you're making too big a deal of this shit. This is a big deal.

I've shared this before. Once more won't hurt.

Please don't pull a Mulayam Singh Yadav on the world around you. He promised government jobs for rape victims in his state. You see, rapes will continue in this state, we can't possibly address that. But I will give you a job to make up for the violation of your self. Come forth and abuse the provision, dear voters. Come help me ride my bicycle.


I used to scoff at women who'd insist on ladies compartments in trains at all times. Now I dwell on what made them insist.

He Only Touched Her Na

Let's say we're making a movie, you and I. We need a story. A screenplay. A character.

A girl, almost a woman. Age: 20; the number suits the tag. In keeping with the law that Facebook confirms for us each day – even a boring female lead is more likely to hold the audience's attention than the average male lead could ever hope to.

So what have we here? A young woman, urban, easy on the eyes. A clean heart. Nowhere near perfect. Not exactly an outlandish creature. Too simple, we need to spice it up. Let's say she gets molested.

How shall we shoot it? A desolate alley, a flickering streetlight? She walks by a dark corner, shivering slightly, wearing her slinky off shoulder dress and her best perfume. A hand creeps out of the midnight shadow. A gagged mouth, flailing arms. She falls to the ground.. No no no, that's too cliched. Let's change it all.

6 pm, an open road. A bright summer evening, a pleasant breeze. The school is shut today, it's a bank holiday. Another festival when no one knows what they're supposed to be doing, but okay. It's a holiday. She's about to leave from home, she has an errand to run. She walks to the front door then returns to her room. Swaps her shorts for a pair of jeans. Why give the grandfather something to agonise over? An oversized shirt and modest jeans. Modesty modesty. She's good to go.

15 minutes. She's on her way back. Another 30 steps on that footpath and she'll be home. She approaches the corner, walking between wall and vehicle.

He moves in right at the blind turn. Rough hands on her front. Legs locked. A disgusting sense of violation. In hindsight, a peculiar lack of smell. She instinctively twists her elbow, jabs him in the chest. It's over before a count of three. A quick, violent fondle and he's running. She follows on his heels, faster than she's run in some time now.

The chase lasts longer than the action he got. It always does. Around three long blocks, twice as many turns and loops. Two pairs of shoes slap against the road. A constant stream of abuses. Men standing ahead stare at her; what makes her chase this guy? "Pakdo usko!" From behind her, "Arre but what happen medam?" He races ahead, clear about where he's going. She follows, clear only about why she's running.

Random thoughts flood her mind. Wrong day to have put on these worn out slippers. A big middle finger to anyone who later dares to say women ask for it. Abuses that rarely get considered are being yelled, men on the street continue to stare at her funny. The guy's athletic, fast, maybe 18. A striped blue and white shirt, smart dark jeans. He could well have been her junior in school. She wonders how she can think of anything just then. She wishes she'd managed to loop her arm around his neck. Kneed him hard. The skin above her left breast stings. Crazy montage. That bastard. Speed up.

She loses him at a sharp turn. It's a maze of bylanes, each as empty as another. She was a fool for asking people around there if they'd spotted someone like him. "Arre madam problem kya hai?" "Chutiye ko chamaat marna hai." Silence. Failure.

She's home now. Sweaty. Furious. Loathsome. Breathing hard. Itching to lash out. To do some damage, maybe rip off his balls. How could she? It hardly matters. She's mad at herself for not matching his long strides. For wanting company but not knowing what to say. Still so furious her eyes sting. She’s bruised and bleeding and it wasn’t her fault. She was violated, just because he could. Not because of how she was dressed. How dare people say this is part and parcel of being a woman?

It's still bright outside.

The Revolution Needs You To Revolve

There’s something very fucked up about you and I. We don’t seem to realize what’s going on around us. To use language favoured by MBA grads, we’ve internalised all that’s wrong with us. To put it plainly, we’re idiots who don’t give a shit.

Sure, fucked up is as fucked up does. That’s the beauty of subjectivity at work. The lack of superlatives and the redundancy of overused phrasing further our regrettable idiocy. Which is why even scalding coffee that’s low on sugar qualifies as a fuck up, yes.

Some of us are luckier than others. And that’s all it really is, luck. Much as we’d like to harp on about merit and opportunities and destiny, it’s really just a series of episodes of lucky luck that led us here. You and I can read this blog post on a slick web browser while millions out there can’t. It doesn’t mean that’s what we were meant to do. Or that those millions were meant not to. We just kept getting lucky when it mattered. And that’s actually okay, except that we don’t seem to get it. Even when we do, we tack on a smug smile and continue as before.

That’s the problem. That’s why we’re fucked up. We can appreciate the nuances of coffee, even wine, but not of what’s really needed of us as individuals. We’re immune and insulated and blissfully unaware. Therein lies our failing. And our lucky remedy.

I have come to understand from books, movies, personal accounts of the wise and even pop psychologists that we all go through phases. So there is a phase of innocence followed by a phase of awakening. Some rebellion, some vengeance, some realisation and some complacence. For some of us, an extended phase of dispensing counsel. I have also come to understand that each of these phases is as important as the other. None negates another. That the sum of phases is what makes you who you are; the sum is always constant.

Permit me to say that it’s too bad the sum does not seem to consider the ratio of its parts. For if it could perceive that the innocence and the complacence far outweigh the awakening, it would protest. If it could tell that a shortlived summer of rebellion featured only to be able to register its presence, not to mean anything, it would throw that neat, double spaced record of phases straight at our faces. And it’s too bad it can’t.

For you really don’t need to be a commie to proclaim that the working class has it bad. Or a radical activist to step in and alleviate the tribals’ woes. You don’t need to be a pseudo secularist to voice your concerns about the minorities. And you aren’t a gullible fool if a stranger’s words motivate you. Wanting to change the system doesn’t make you a silly idealist who doesn’t know what to do with his time. 

It's in your head.

But taking note of all that’s wrong will take up much of your time. Trying to comprehend how people cope will take up some more. And in the time that is left, you must identify how you can help and get down to it. If anything, it will routinely frustrate you to tears that there is so much that needs to be done – not just so much that you want to do. And just before your lower lip starts quivering, a man will stop right by you. He will peer into that overflowing stilted trash can that sways in the breeze, fish out and drain a styrofoam cup jutting out of the mess and walk away in search of his next sip of coffee.

Russia Is Reading

Is "gobble" a cuss word in Russian? Or "dook" the name of some village?

Zdravstvuj, is that you?

Every single post over the years has been read by this Russian reader! Such peculiar things you can find out... I was psyched. I really was.

I say I was because it was pointed out that those pageviews could just be from some faceless bot crawling the web. The horror. The lackofromanceandmystery! So yeah, while there's a good chance I might be wrong, I'm just going to tell myself I have a loyal reader lurking around. It's a happy thought.

PS - I like how Chrome is on top, even if I was partial to Opera at one time. And Linux users read me, yay! 

PPS - Yeah, less than 200 views a month. No, I don't exactly promote this blog. You want to?

Those Folks Over At Aadhar

College (or more correctly, BMM) gives you a lot of funny things to do. When you're feeling smart, you turn those funny things into interesting things.


In case of us Journo students, a magazine had to be put together, the focus of the assignment being the design and layout. The University circular about vivas for the same actually includes evaluating criteria like Headlines style, Type and Colour. Obvious stuff, but I still stare at it every time I look at that circular, which is often. Yep, amongst other funny things, college leaves you with so much spare time that you keep reading circulars. Or maybe that's just me.


My magazine is broadly based on innovation. So much scope! E-commerce and online entrepreneurship one in one issue,  crowdsourcing and hatke marketing gimmicks in the next, maybe a special issue on facilities customised for senior citizens or teens - be it related to health, banking, side incomes or alternate tourism. Damn I wanna do this!


Since content for the magazine did not have to be written by us (something I found weird, writing is what we do na!) articles were lifted (with all due credit and courtesy) from tech sites, online magazines and in some cases, put together with the help of About Us and FAQ sections. The Caravan carried an interesting article on the nava job profile of workers at Aadhaar enrolment centres across the country. 

You are reading Page 30, !nnovate, October 2011.

What brought this up? Ma famille was to go submit the forms for the UID registration today. You know, finally get the ball rolling to have our own Aadhaar numbers - not cards. Yeah. The lady in charge there met with an accident on her way to work. The centre will remain closed for the next two days. Also, my father suggests I "chill out".

I Put The Vent In E-Vent

I just got told that everything I blog about has simply turned to ranting. You mean that's not a good thing? But don’t you like reading rants? Isn’t it something you can relate to? No? Okay. I also got told what I ought to write about instead, but more on that later. 

It all made me gape a lot. I also blinked a lot. Sometimes, blinking a lot helps, hence this post. This post is not a complaint, and no, it is not a rant. So if you are that blunt buddy with the sugarfree soul, read. And if you aren’t him, tell me if I really do rant all that much.

This post is closely tied in with that age-old discussion about why one blogs. The discussion can be reduced to two sides – for-the-reader and for-the-blogger. One side suggests you go find a diary to confide in and the other side goes, “Hullo! This is my diary!” Me, I stand on the fence and watch both sides read my blog. 

I tend to do this more often than is wise, standing on fences. And reducing every problem to its most basic form. Wise men would approve, even if it does backfire sometimes. Yeah, I loved school-time math. No but seriously, have you ever wondered why people rarely enjoy debating the what-came-first dilemma seriously? Because it’s just too damn basic superficially, they simply do not want to bother with it.

Anyhow, I tabbed to this blog to see just what I’ve been writing about. There was that subtle rant about Bombay being romanticised, that’s one. Then the bad haircut, but come on, even your wise but balding grandmother would’ve ranted about it! That goof-up about when my univs were to begin. Surely, you sympathise..? 

This.

No wait, you know what? There’s a reason I created a label And I Vent. Blame Blogger for not letting you hide posts filed under that label. Also, and yes I actually checked, might I add that the label Solutions has four more posts that And I Vent? And that the two labels have four posts in common? No? Fine. That is also okay.

I guess that sudden verdict was, amongst other things, a dismissal of everything I’ve posted here lately. Which is just fine, except that it isn’t exactly fun to hear. Should I type that out in caps? No? OKAY!

The alternative suggested, however, was easily the nicest compliment I have ever received from the blunt buddy in question. It's decidedly personal stuff, perhaps too personal for me to share and you to care about. I consciously avoid blogging about it, but I got told I should "because it's nice". Can't promise I will, but if I do, this is where it will be posted. And hey, maybe that will stop me from ending up as a cranky old lady with a cabbage-y house full of cats... I bet that's a prominent cause on some cause-list on the web. 

See, I told you this post is not a complaint, and no, this is not a rant. It even has a corny title!

PS - Blinking a lot isn’t really good. In fact, it looks like it’s half bad to blink a lot. Conjunctivitis, Parkinson’s, seizures... no, not good at all. If you really must know more, here, read.

We're On The Edge

Visitors to this city are almost always in awe of its pace. Its liveliness. Its sheer force of existence. They think this city is something special; I think this city is on the edge.

Much has been said about the overworked transport system. The inevitable delays, the fashionably late Indian Standard Time. About the fighting spirit this city breathes into its people, about the safety its women enjoy.

Some Indians think this city is a lesson in assertion. Spend a few years in big bad Bombay and you will learn to stand on your own two feet. I beg to differ. Spend a while in Bombay and you will learn how to fight someone who tries to stamp your two little feet. If anything, this city is a lesson in survival. Irritable, defensive survival that reeks of sweat and aches with hunger. Take it all away and we won't be us anymore.

We trudge on, for hey, we're lucky to be surviving in Bombay! We overlook the fact that Bombay is the hallowed place we make it out to be because of its faceless crowds and their desperate attempts to fulfil a day's work, not inspite of them.

It is not that Bombay works much more than is normal - Bombay just sees a lot of other stuff that overpowers work. Work happens mechanically, on the side. We're preoccupied; we're pissed. We don't understand that deftly juggling travel alternatives during a strike isn't streetsmart, it's silent acceptance. But you can't blame us for overlooking such stuff. These oversights allow you to romanticise our city. We're just too busy protecting our toes from the crowd.

Our lives have the same issues as yours. The same concerns, the same drama. We just dwell on them differently, secretly but in the midst of the screaming match that is a regular officegoer's travel companion.
It's all too vague for you, isn't it? You must be convinced I'm exaggerating. Others from my city would agree with you. You see, we fret and fume within our minds but we really don't notice these things anymore. We've imbibed the idea of maddening crowds. It's alright for our fancy AC buses to carry 80, not 40. It's okay to spend two hours at that posh counter for some inane work.

We aren't brave. We aren't overachievers. We aren't brokers of dreams and we aren't champions of coexistence. We're just oblivious blocks of flexible minds, regular people caught in a crowd.